I don't know what it is about time that makes things more clear, probably wisdom. Age is an inevitable process to gain wisdom. When I was younger I didn't really care about that. I heard my mother's headings but only on the surface, I wasn't really digesting it. It's been seven years today that my mother passed away. I believe she's in heaven. Heaven for her could be a lot of things, including fishing on the banks of the river Jordan. I imagine she's sitting on a white bucket with a cane pole. She's got one of those bobbers that's red on top and white on the bottom. She likes to see the cork go down. She's catching panfish, crappie and bluegill. As she takes them off the hook, she lifts up and puts them in the bucket underneath her.
It's simple, but she has everything she needs. She's at peace. Peace with herself. Peace with her past life. Peace with God.
As a child, I always wanted my deceased relatives to come back and give me a heads up about life so I could do better than the did and not make the same mistakes. I imagined having a guardian angel over my shoulder telling me what's gonna happen if I marry this man or the other. I believe if they could do it, they would. However, I know that being a child of God does not exempt me from the perils of life. Grace is sufficient and a gracious plenty is all around us. we all have to walk our own path. We cannot avoid feeling, that means we are living.
I used to Always ask my mother these life questions, like how do you know heaven really exists? She would smile and say "keep living". Keep living was her comment to me for a lot of things I said. And I foolishly said lots of things I definitely was or was not gonna do, primarily involving money and men. I said things like I ain't never gonna be poor and MONEY IS really gonna make me happy. I also used to say I didn't understand why people sin and they know it's wrong against God. To me sinning was like doing something you knew you were gonna get a whooping for, why would you did it anyway?(I didn't understand you couldn't always control yourself) Then as I got older, I found myself in situations where I was begging God to forgive me and in my head I could hear my mother's voice saying... "See, I told you, keep living."
So I keep living and I keep learning. I keep trying to do better. I keep listening. I keep watching. I keep thinking. I keep reflecting. I keep letting go. I keep moving forward. I keep re-adjusting. I keep forgiving. I KEEP FORGIVING. That's a hard one for me. I KEEP FORGIVING.
Right now I hear my eight year old self saying why people always stay so mad at people? Especially people you are supposed to love? I didn't understand. I hadn't lived enough to understand the power of anger or forgiveness. If you watch children play, they get mad at one another all the time. Fighting over toys, attention or whatever is important in their world at that moment. But give them 10 minutes, they're over it and back best friends. They haven't learned to stay mad. They haven't learned to hold on to resentment and live it over and over again and play it in their heads like a broken record. They gotta as my mom a used to say, "keep living".
I was angry at my mother for most of my adult life and I didn't forgive her until a year before she passed. I regret I wasn't a better daughter.(I'll write about that later.)
Now as I raise my own child, I am acutely aware of how important my journey is. That what I say, what I do and how I make him feel are acutely important to him. The lessons I teach him are my legacy. And the the parts of myself that I give to him will live on even in my death.
I believe in evolution, the scientific explanation of how we came to be. If you look at the evolution chart, you can't dismiss the resemblance to man. I acknowledge Adam and Eve. I believe God created ALL life and ALL DNA. I don't know the formula. I just know and feel at the very core of my being that I am connected to these people before me. I have parts of them in me. I see it. I live it. I feel it. And it's in my son. Sometimes I see so much of myself and my husband's DNA in this little boy that I know for sure I am way out of my league trying to understand God. I am simply out classed.
So I just keep living. Day by day. Week by week. Month by month. Year by year. Decade by decade. A good friend of mine has a quote about parenthood that I love to share. It says the days are long, but the years are short.
Through God's grace I'm paying attention to the lessons of life and parenting. And I find myself sometimes staring at my son, Ian smiling to myself and saying out loud..."keep living".
