The above is one of Dabney's favorite pictures of me from the Miss America pageant. I look at this picture and don't remember looking like that and don't even recognize myself.
This is how you know when you're getting old, you start looking at old pictures, you start doing the things you said you would never do. You turn into the people you said you never would. You hear yourself saying the same phrases you heard as a child. "I ain't never gon' say...cause I said so that's why?". When my child asks a question out of curiosity, I'm gonna give 'em real answers to they questions." Yeah right, these days when Ian asks me 125-hundred questions a day, I find myself throwing in a couple of..."because mommy said so Ian and that's why."
Okay where is all this leading?
These days for me are totally new territory. I don't care what anybody says, bringing up a child is the greatest challenge you'll ever face. I have battled with some of the greatest minds in television and fought for some of the toughest contracts. But as my comedian favorite, Katt Williams says..."This____ right here. This____right here:~)."
CHILD REARING IS A TOTALLY DIFFERENT BALL GAME.
My tolerance and patience has not been so tested since I was trying to get my first job in TV and willing to go to Bend, Oregon. (And you know they're probably just accepting Michelle Obama there...so you know I didn't stand a chance in 1990.)
Some days with Ian require me to call upon the spirit of my ancestors to give me guidance for the landmines I'm dodging everyday.
It's just really weird being this OLD and being a first time parent. Everything in me tells me to follow my gut. Do what feels right to make this child the best he can be.
But the more I push to do what I think is suppose to be so right, it seems forced and wrong.
And somewhere along the way, this child started showing me and saying, just follow my lead, I'll show you what I can do.
So I have to listen, and be patient and not try to predict what he's "suppose" to do. When I do that, I see him becoming what he's meant to be. It makes me a guide to give him the foundation he needs. I get to share his journey and his great possibilities.
I get to witness all that.
WOW.
That is a gift from God.
So when I stop trying to control everything and let go and let God. I start to see my momma in myself. The person I thought had no idea of what was going was really quite aware
That's when I hear myself sounding like her. And see myself looking like her. And that's REALLY scary.
But it's also beautiful.
It took me a long time to get to this ripe. I was in a bottle for a long time. I guess that's why I was so old having a baby.
Oh well, go figure.
I'm grateful.
I'm really grateful.
And it's okay if I'm turning into my momma.
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