Dabney's Favorite

I'm turning into my Momma! (where did I go?)

The above is one of Dabney's favorite pictures of me from the Miss America pageant. I look at this picture and don't remember looking like that and don't even recognize myself.
This is how you know when you're getting old, you start looking at old pictures, you start doing the things you said you would never do. You turn into the people you said you never would. You hear yourself saying the same phrases you heard as a child. "I ain't never gon' say...cause I said so that's why?". When my child asks a question out of curiosity, I'm gonna give 'em real answers to they questions." Yeah right, these days when Ian asks me 125-hundred questions a day, I find myself throwing in a couple of..."because mommy said so Ian and that's why."
Okay where is all this leading?
These days for me are totally new territory. I don't care what anybody says, bringing up a child is the greatest challenge you'll ever face. I have battled with some of the greatest minds in television and fought for some of the toughest contracts. But as my comedian favorite, Katt Williams says..."This____ right here. This____right here:~)."
CHILD REARING IS A TOTALLY DIFFERENT BALL GAME.
My tolerance and patience has not been so tested since I was trying to get my first job in TV and willing to go to Bend, Oregon. (And you know they're probably just accepting Michelle Obama there...so you know I didn't stand a chance in 1990.)
Some days with Ian require me to call upon the spirit of my ancestors to give me guidance for the landmines I'm dodging everyday.
It's just really weird being this OLD and being a first time parent. Everything in me tells me to follow my gut. Do what feels right to make this child the best he can be.
But the more I push to do what I think is suppose to be so right, it seems forced and wrong.
And somewhere along the way, this child started showing me and saying, just follow my lead, I'll show you what I can do.
So I have to listen, and be patient and not try to predict what he's "suppose" to do. When I do that, I see him becoming what he's meant to be. It makes me a guide to give him the foundation he needs. I get to share his journey and his great possibilities.
I get to witness all that.
WOW.
That is a gift from God.
So when I stop trying to control everything and let go and let God. I start to see my momma in myself. The person I thought had no idea of what was going was really quite aware
That's when I hear myself sounding like her. And see myself looking like her. And that's REALLY scary.
But it's also beautiful.
It took me a long time to get to this ripe. I was in a bottle for a long time. I guess that's why I was so old having a baby.
Oh well, go figure.
I'm grateful.
I'm really grateful.
And it's okay if I'm turning into my momma.

Making Peace

My sister in law, Faye recently passed away after a long bout with breast cancer.
Faye fought a good fight and fought it to the end. She died courageously.
I admire that.
No one likes to think about dying, but we all know it's coming.
I learned a good lesson from Faye. Make your peace while you are living.
Faye and I didn't start off well, but over the years we made peace.
I sat with her one afternoon towards the end.
She was still alive in her spirit, aware and in her right mind. This despite the cancer eating at her body immensely.
I don't know how I will have to face death.
But if I have to fight it, I hope to do as well as Faye.
May her soul rest in peace.

Why don't we SAY -- I love you!

I didn’t grow up in a house where we said I love you. It’s really amazing to me to see how some people commonly say I love you these days.

I know my mother loved me, but I can count the times on my hand that she told me she loved me.
It was not until I was grown that I heard her say it.
I never really thought much about it as I was growing up. I just figured people didn’t really say it unless it was a special occasion, or you wrote it in a card when you signed it. Kind of like a by the way, Happy Birthday, Love your mama.

I saw people say it on TV in shows but that wasn’t real to me. I had relatives who I saw once a year who said It, but they had to because they weren’t going to see you.

So saying I love you wasn’t necessary because it was just supposed to be understood. You know I love you, don’t I show it. I buy you clothes, I keep a roof over your head, you have food, all of your needs and some of the things that you want. Don’t you know that means I love you. I shouldn’t have to say it, I show you. That was the philosophy.

But it just seems unnatural to me not to say it.
It’s almost like it’s bursting to come out, but we won’t let it.
Like we’re afraid it makes us venerable or weak.
If I tell you I love you, I won’t have control over you anymore.
So we repress the words and avoid them. We choose to show it in other ways. That’s cool and I’ve learned how to read the cues, but I still like to hear it.
It’s reaffirming.
It’s refreshing.
And it’s truth and serum for the soul, especially for a child learning where they fit in the world.

I kiss my son and tell him I love him all the time.
I also chastise him and am stern with my words sometimes.
It balances out, the good and the not so good.
He needs to hear all my tones and words. The ones that are re-affirming and positive and those that speak truth and reality to him.
He can’t just hear only one side.
He needs to know I’m real and human just like him, even though I am his mama.
And that sometimes I will tell you that I love you.
And sometimes I will tell you that you are two minutes away from Lebonheur Children’s hospital.

He needs to KNOW and HEAR me say I love him.
He needs to feel that my love is unconditional. That no matter what happens, I still love him.
No matter if he succeeds or fails, is happy or sad, is motivated or lazy, is straight or gay, is blind or a visionary, is selfish or giving, is loving or unkind, or greedy and ungrateful(God forbid).
He is who he is and I need to love him for that, because he is my child.
He doesn’t have to make himself worthy to get my love.
This doesn’t mean I don’t try to instill the values in him that I believe are important.
It doesn’t mean I don’t hold him accountable for growing up and becoming responsible.
It just means, he may turn into a different person than the one I’m trying to clone and if he does, I have to love him for that.
And he’s already showing me he’s his own little man.
And I’m grateful.
I’m grateful he’s here and he’s who he is.
(Even though he’s still not fully potty trained and almost four.)


So as I remember my own upbringing and what it felt like to be a child,
I remember I must not only show him love but I must also say, I LOVE YOU IAN.

And I don’t just tell Ian.

Have you told someone you love them today?